Darth Vader Quiz

How good a Darth Vader would you make?

This test will require a No. 2 lead hydrospanner and a black Scantron. Separate paper will be distributed for the essay section.

Multiple Choice Section:

  1. What color is your cape/cloak?
    A - White or grey
    B - Mauve or fluorescent orange
    C - Brown or blue
    D - Pure black

  2. Describe your voice:
    A - A mellifluous tenor, radiating peace and light
    B - High and squeaky, kind of like the noise generated by hitting a mouse with a mallet (and now for something completely different!)
    C - Strong and commanding, with deep overtones of control and evil
    D - Low enough to shatter windows and gravely as a sea bed, kind of like you'd been hit in the throat by a semi when you were four

  3. Describe your Force skills:
    A - I am a Jedi, like my father before me.
    B - I don't have any Force skills, but I do get good cable reception.
    C - I have just enough Force sensitivity to say "I have a bad feeling about this" with authority.
    D - I can crush your puny larynx like a grape, you dweeb.

  4. An officer under your command informs you that, through his own incompetence, he has allowed your Rebel quarry to escape. You:
    A - Tell him in a kind, understanding, voice that he really should try harder.
    B - Give him a blender and do the dance of joy.
    C - Fire him and cancel his Christmas bonus.
    D - Kill him, then spit on his lifeless body.

  5. The new officer under your command informs you that, through no fault of his own, the Rebel scum have escaped. You:
    A - Pat him on the back and say that you understand, everyone has a bad day now and then.
    B - Click your ruby heels together three times and say, "There's no place like Burger King, there's no place like Burger King."
    C - Commend him for trying and send him back to his post.
    D - Kill him, then kick his lifeless body.

  6. His replacement, through no fault of his own, steps on your toe. You:
    A - Smile understandingly and step to the side.
    B - Ask him to do it again.
    C - Step on his toe.
    D - Kill him, then have his body fed to the Rancor.

  7. Luke Skywalker is your:
    A - Best friend.
    B - Dog.
    C - Feared persecutor.
    D - Arch-enemy. Or son. Your choice.

  8. Complete the following sentence: "You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a...
    A - ...really nice guy. I respect you, sir."
    B - ...chicken. Or was it lizard? I can never remember..."
    C - ...traitor. Take her away!"
    D - ...corpse. Good riddance." (this is the only one Vader missed)

  9. The Emperor calls you his:
    A - enemy
    B - nephew
    C - doormat
    D - right hand

  10. Which portion of the body do you prefer to crush and squeeze with the Force?
    A - None, I give loving hugs.
    B - the bladder
    C - the heart or brain
    D - All of them, but the trachea if I'm just practicing.

Optional strategy section:

Given a copy of the Mona Lisa, Dali's Persistence of Time, and a crayon drawing of mommy, daddy, and kat, how long would it take you to destroy human civilization?
A - Ten years
B - Twelve parsecs
C - A day
D - Ten minutes

Optional ethics section:

You are given a choice between killing a kitten and eating a Twinkie. You:
A - Give them both a hug
B - Kill the Twinkie
C - Kill the kitten
D - Kill the kitten with the Twinkie

Optional xenobiology section:

What alien species would you most like to exterminate?
A - Hutts
B - Tribbles
C - Ewoks
D - Non-humans

Optional navigation section:

You have the fastest ship in the galaxy. How fast can you do the Kessel Run?
A - 12 parsecs
B - 12 liters
C - 12 days
D - 12 Rebel corpses

Optional Jedi Knight section:

What is the power of this technological terror insignificant beside?
A - The power of the Force.
B - The power that only wet suction can muster.
C - The power of that technological terror.
D - The power of me.

Essay:

You are trapped, alone, on a desert planet. What five things do you take with you, and who do you kill with them?

Answers:

If you answered (a majority of the time):

A - You are a Rebel weenie. Get off the net, you dweeb.
B - You are an idiot. I'd tell you to get off the net, too, but you wouldn't understand me.
C - You have the cold-blooded ruthlessness to rise high in the Empire. Good luck!
D - You are a Dark Lord of the Sith. Go kick some Rebel ass.
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