Tormenting Telmarketers - A Game You Can Play at Home!
Everyone has gotten a call from a Telemarketer. The new
Scourge of the Telephone System. Previously when the phone rang, you
always wondered if it was someone you knew, or another schmuck with
something to sell. Well, the time has come to turn the tables. We
need to take control of our own phones. We need to take the "market"
out of Telemarketing.
Premise: Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making
sales. If you talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy what
you are selling.
Counter-Tactic: Waste as much of their time as you can. For
each minute that you waste means several potential customers that will
not be reached. Make Telemarketing unprofitable. Hanging up only
increases the chances for them to make a sale. Don't let this happen!
Hints: Most of the preliminary stuff is done by someone making minimum
wage, and reads a script. Let them finish. It's easy points, and you
were watching Star Trek and weren't using your phone anyway. It's
easy to keep them interested using "attentive grunting", similar to
when your mother calls.
Scoring:
| Basic Point System: |
| For each minute spent on the phone | 10 pts. |
| Getting transfered to someone who makes more than minimum wage |
15 pts |
| For each minute spent on the phone with person making more than
minimum wage | 25 pts |
| |
| Bonus Points: |
| Getting them to repeat part of the "script" |
5 pts/each |
| Getting answers to stupid questions |
15 pts/each |
| Changing the subject |
50 pts/each |
| Making the sales person angry |
175 pts |
| Making the sales person use profanity |
750 pts |
| Get their boss on the phone, and tell them
the salesman used profanity |
1500 pts |
| Getting their 1-800- number |
10 pts |
| Posting their 1-800- number to alt.sex as
a free "Phone Sex" line |
50 pts |
| Checking the number a week later and it is
busy or disconnected |
5000 pts |
Example:
<Ring>
Me: Yes?
Them: Hi, I'm with Fly-By-Night Carpet Cleaning
and we're in your area [...]
[start clock->]
Them: [...] would like to know it you are interested?
Me: Sure...
Them: Well, we are currently offering [...]
Them: [...] depending on the size of the rooms.
Me: Well, how much for the whole house?
[15 bonus pts!]
Them: Let me transfer you to <???>
Them: Sir?
Me: Yes?
[25 pts/min!]
Them: How large is your house?
Me: Oh, about 2,000 sqft.
Them: [...] Well, that would be about $xxx
[stupid ?]
Me: It won't hurt the floor, will it?
Them: Oh, no! We use a [...this usually takes some time!...]
and is completely safe.
[stupid ?]
Me: Even with my pets?
Them: Oh, yes. The chemicals we use [...]
Me: Do you have to pre-treat, since I have pets?
Them: Yes, and we do that with [...]
[repeat!] Me: But the original offer was for $39.95, does that
include treating for pets?
Them: [...]
[subject change]
Me: Well, it is kindof dirty. The guys were over for
the game. Did you see the Cowboys vs. the Rams?
Them: Yes.
Me: What a game! That last touchdown pass! Wasn't that
a great play?
Them: Well, back to your house...
Me: Oh yes, what about moving the furniture?
Them: [...]
[subject change]
Me: Do you clean furniture, too? Those guys spilled some
beer. Have you smelled old beer on furniture before?
But what a game, eh?! I couldn't believe that they
couldn't move the ball in the second quarter...
[...]
[angry???]
Them: Ahem... Would you like us to come out?
Me: Well, when could you come out?
Them: How about next week?
Me: Hmmm... Morning or afternoon?
Them: Either would be fine.
Me: Do you have anything the week after?
Them: Sure, can I put you down for Tuesday?
[Okay, let's try for those last big bonus points:]
Me: Well, I don't think it matters, since I have all
hardwood floors here!
Them: Dammit! <Yes! 250 points!>
<click>
|
